Supporting Your Partner Who is a Survivor of Sexual Assault
Supporting Your Partner Who is a Survivor of Sexual Assault
Statistics from RAINN.org report that every 68 seconds an American experiences sexual assault, the odds that you will find yourself in a relationship with a survivor are increased. Are you prepared to support them on their journey of healing? This piece will cover eight strategies that will aid you to foster a safe environment which will allow your partner to be more resilient.
Educate Yourself
There are several topics you should educate yourself on that surrounds sexual assault. However, for the sake of understanding your partner we will focus on two of the main topics that will help you grasp a deeper understanding. First, how trauma affects the brain (being trauma informed) and second, the various ways a person can be sexually assaulted. Another resource you will want to know is how to calm your partner. Look into grounding exercises, and resources available in your local area that provide a trauma-informed lens to advocacy.
Be Understanding
One way to ensure you are empowering your partner is to let them tell their story in their own time. Pushing someone to relive their story is traumatizing. Be patient, be kind. When your partner decides to disclose their story, it is important for you to be engaged. To ensure your body language is open and receiving you can face them, lean in, keep your feet and hands pointed in their direction, and do not cross your arms. Keep eye contact with them so they know you are listening. Occasionally look at a different part of their body near their face such as their shoulder or side of the cheek.
Most importantly, listen! You can help yourself understand better by repeating what you are hearing. For example, “what I hear you saying is that you feel uncomfortable when you’re around people drinking?” Never assume, and make sure your tone of voice is not defensive. Be genuine and support their decisions. Remember that it is okay if they only decide to tell you bits and pieces or if they abruptly stop telling their story. Your partner just is not ready yet. Be understanding.
Communicate
Trauma unfolds in unique ways, and you will never be able to tell what triggers your partner. Being communicative about what your partner needs from you is important. If you notice your partner pulling away or disassociating, give them space and ask how you can support them. Be respectful of how they choose to communicate as well. For some, it may be easier to face confrontation through a text rather than face-to-face conversation.
Get Consent
Consent is mandatory in any relationship. When your partner has survived a sexual assault, you will need to use the above tip to communicate what boundaries look like for them. Never assume it is okay to touch your partner no matter how many times you have engaged in a sexual encounter. There could be something in the environment that triggers a trauma response. Consent is a clear and enthusiastic YES! Every time. Always ask permission before you do anything and educate yourself on what consent looks like. Check out what consent means here.
Let the Relationship Move at its Own Pace
Never push your partner to take a step forward without considering what it looks like for them to take that step. Communicate your needs but do not expect them to fill those needs on your time. Recovery takes time, things will get better for them. If you find yourself struggling, find others way to be intimate. A good example is to lay on the floor, bodies in opposite directions, and just talk. Let your partner know that you are listening to their deepest desires, dreams, and goals. You will ultimately feel more connected than ever.
Believe Them
Trauma responses will look different for every survivor. However, there are a few common responses to look out for. Survivors can show low sex drive, shame, disgust, anxiety, and triggers can come at ANY point of time. So, it is your job as their person, their partner, and their supporter to believe them. Do not get upset if your partner wants to show affection one minute and then the next minute seem short and distant. It is likely that they have just had a trigger, flashback or are starting to feel anxious.
Celebrate Recovery Together
They say that it is the little things that matter. Indeed, this is true when it comes to resiliency with survivors. That little step for your partner to overcome could have taken everything they had. Celebrate it, let them know how amazing they are. A survivor shares, “Love and support have been the most helpful for my healing. Meeting good people and connecting with good people, all have been the most healing. Growing from this, now I know a little more about how to be like the people that were there for me. Love is everything.”- Tiana
Check in With Them
There will be times when you may feel that your relationship is soaring, and everything is great. Your partner may feel that way too, but they are still struggling. Check in with them on those happiest days. Offer your support and let them know you are there for them. Connect with your local domestic violence and sexual assault center for resources available in your community.
While these are just a few ways to help support your partner towards resiliency, there are so many factors that come into play when trying to offer your support. If you need additional information or if your partner would like someone to talk to please give us a call on our 24/7 crisis line 910-947-3333.
-Amanda B.