My Stalker...

There was no point in answering the phone, since Allie* already knew who it would be. The phone had been ringing multiple times a day throughout the day and night for a week straight. It was always a blocked number, and her voicemail was already full of empty messages, sometimes with just a person breathing and sometimes with no sound at all. 

Lisa looked out the window at work and saw her ex’s truck parked in the parking lot across the street again. The tinted windows made it impossible for her to see if he was inside, but she knew that he was. He always was. Sometimes she’d even get texts from him if she wasn’t working her usual schedule. The last one said, “You can’t hide from me b****.”

Miles away, Jenna got home from work and found her home had been broken into – again. This marked the third time in two months. When the police arrived and she assessed the damage, she again found that only random, low-value personal items were missing. This time it was a DVD player, a bottle of perfume, and a family photo.  

All three women had sought help. Two of them held protection orders. None of them felt safe. 

*** 

An estimated 6 million Americans are impacted by stalking every year, and yet it’s a crime still cloaked in unknowns. It’s hard to predict, hard to address, and hard to fully recover from, and it can leave its victims feeling anxious and vulnerable for decades afterwards.  

This reality is acutely clear to Jessica, who experienced almost a year of stalking by her ex-husband, Josh. Jessica generously shared her personal story with Friend to Friend, and gave us permission to share it here, as it likely resonates with many others who have experienced similar traumas.  

*** 

“I soon realized what a mistake I had made.” 

Jessica and Josh’s relationship began quite innocently. They started dating casually as teens, on again and off again, until both graduated high school and they went their separate ways. Though they lived in two different places, they maintained contact in the years that followed, mostly through social media, which Jessica describes as “friendly conversation.”  

Eventually, the couple resumed their relationship, and in October 2009, Josh proposed.  

But after marriage, things began to change. What had been a friendly, romantic relationship soon devolved into a life of manipulation and control. Josh, it turned out, struggled with a sex addiction and an addiction to pornography, and what had seemed like love became an unhealthy obsession that created chaos within their relationship.  

Both Josh and Jessica made attempts to save their marriage, finding couples’ counseling, individual counseling, and support groups in the hopes of repairing things. However, it proved too difficult a situation to be overcome, and eventually Jessica found herself preparing to leave. 

In summer 2011, Jessica set the stage for separation – obtaining a second job for extra income, looking for a new apartment, and saving all that she could in order to make a down payment on a new place to live. Like many individuals in abusive relationships, she did her best to conceal these efforts in the interests of safety. When Josh returned home from a two week military training, she told him of her intent to leave, and in the fight that ensued, Jessica asked him to stay somewhere else until she could find a new home. Josh ultimately complied, but Jessica’s worries were far from over. 

Upon returning home from a brief trip out of state, Jessica found that Josh had gone back to the apartment and combed through all her personal things. He had read and destroyed her personal journal, and accused her of cheating with a co-worker. With his anger escalating, Jessica made the firm decision to file for divorce and move out quickly. She was careful to conceal her new address from Josh due to threats he was making against her, and yet, he still found her. 

Jessica’s stalking experience began in November 2011. Despite her attempts to protect her new address, Josh began showing up at random times of the day and night, pounding on her door and screaming to talk to her. She eventually learned that he had driven around apartment complexes all over the city for weeks trying to find her car, and then was able to locate her apartment based on a familiar windchime hanging off her balcony. Incredibly, this level of effort is not uncommon for stalkers, who sometimes dedicate enormous amounts of time to their stalking activities and frequently stalk their victims once or more every week, using a variety of tactics to gain access. 

Josh’s visits were random, and terrifying. For months, he would show up whenever he wanted, banging on her door and yelling, screaming, and sobbing for her attention. Jessica lived alone and had few local supports she could use for help, and, for personal reasons, she was also hesitant to seek help from police – a fact that Josh knew, and used against her. She did attempt to get a protection order, but was discouraged from doing so by a local agency as they felt it wouldn’t be granted since there were no direct threats of physical harm. Systems designed to protect victims of this type of abuse unknowingly worked together to create a reality in which Josh was able to freely continue his frantic and obsessive behavior, while Jessica became more and more imprisoned by fear. 

For almost a year, Josh terrorized Jessica at her own home and throughout the community. She felt she almost couldn’t go anywhere without experiencing extreme paranoia, panicking at the sound of any car that could be his and fearing the thought of going anywhere alone. All her choices, movements, and actions became carefully controlled for fear of running into Josh, because there was no way to know just how far he might go. 

It wasn’t until the summer of 2012 that their highly contested (on Josh’s end) divorce was eventually finalized, and, for reasons unknown, this finally bought Jessica some much-needed relief. Josh stopped showing up at her door, and later moved out state, but even thousands of miles did little to reduce Jessica’s fear. After months of terror, she continued to find herself triggered by the sound of car mufflers, or constantly afraid that he might unexpectedly return.  

*** 

Stalking remains a crime which is poorly understood and often misrepresented in the media or popular culture. Rather than being a random nuisance or harmless prank, this type of abusive harassment is surprisingly common, and is often frequent, costly, and emotionally devastating. 

Stalking victims pay a high price for their victimization, having to rearrange their lives and routines in order to try and reclaim a sense of safety. One in seven stalking victims reports being forced to move in an attempt to avoid their stalker, and one in eight lose time from work (and subsequently income) due to what’s happening. These disruptions are expensive, time-consuming, and sometimes still fruitless.  

But even more concerningly, stalking is also significantly connected to serious intimate partner violence and homicide. Studies have found that 76% of intimate partner femicide victims had been stalked by their partner at some point prior to their death (the risk is even higher for those who also had a history of being physical assaulted), and many agencies now consider stalking a critical risk factor for potential lethality. Intimate partner stalkers also tend to be the most violent, increasing in frequency and intensity more quickly, and they have a greater tendency to use weapons and follow through on threats of violence.  

Unfortunately, Jessica’s story is only one of millions, and some have even more tragic endings. The unpredictability and potential for harm makes stalking particularly terrifying, and technology has opened up even more avenues for stalkers to cause and create harm. Stalking is a crime which must be taken seriously, in order to provide safety for victims and demand accountability from offenders. 

Friend to Friend deeply thanks the women who were willing to share their stories with us as we work to raise awareness of stalking as a serious crime. If you are the victim of stalking and you would like support and resources, please contact our Crisis Line at 910.947.3333, visit our website, or consider one of the other resources below. If you feel you are in imminent danger, please call 911 immediately. 

The Victim Connect Resource Center: 855-4-VICTIM (855-484-2846)

The National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233

The National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-HOPE (800-656-4673) 

*All names have been changed for privacy, except Jessica’s at her request.

-Caroline Reynolds