Life On The Other Side

Note: During the month of April, Friend to Friend is profiling the real-life survival stories of sexual assault survivors here in Moore County. Please note that some of these stories contain accounts of sexual assault, and could be triggering. If you find yourself in need of further support, please contact Friend to Friend at 910.947.1703 or via our 24/7 Crisis Line at 910.947.3333 for free and confidential help. You can also reach the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-4673.



Leslie defines herself in many ways – a spouse, a mother, a volunteer, an advocate.

And a two-time rape survivor.

The first incident was more than 40 years ago, when Leslie was an undergrad. When she found herself unexpectedly alone at a local house party, another party-goer took advantage and forced her into a bedroom and raped her. As a result, Leslie found herself withdrawn and unable to return to class, but also too afraid to tell her family and friends. She ultimately lost an entire semester being self-isolated in her pajamas, trying to cope with what happened. But when she finally did get the courage to share with her roommates, she was met with little to no concern – and ultimately Leslie realized she would simply have to block out her experience in order to keep moving forward. Leslie describes “I can remember the setting really clearly. I can remember the room, and I remember his name and what he looked like. And I also remember it being very traumatic at the time it was happening – feeling very afraid and upset, and being held down. But I really blocked the whole thing out for almost 15 years after that.”

Nearly four years later, Leslie found herself back in her hometown. She was living with her parents, completing her degree at a small, private university nearby, and had reunited with two close friends from the past, Dottie and Margaret.

One weekend when her parents had to leave town, Leslie invited Dottie and her husband Joe over to stay for company. She and Dottie spent the weekend watching movies and catching up, while Joe, a med school student, studied for an upcoming exam. Around 11pm, Dottie retired to the guest room that she and Joe were sharing, and, before settling in for the night, Leslie stopped into the room where Joe was studying to ask him to turn off the lights when done.

“And I remember he looked at me, and said ‘Don’t you want to stay and give me a backrub?’ And I felt so uncomfortable. I told him no, and I went back to my room. I just had this very weird feeling.” Leslie remembers. “I remember feeling upset that my door wouldn’t lock, and I even considered pushing this big chest I had in front of the door to block it. But then it was like there were two sides of me that kept going back and forth – this side wanted to block the door, but then the other side kept saying that it was ridiculous and that Dottie would probably try to come in the next morning and think it was crazy that I was trying to keep the door shut.” The latter side won out, and Leslie went to sleep.

But about 4 hours later, she awoke abruptly with the uncanny sense that someone else was in the room. Before she could react, a large body jumped on top of her and wrapped his hands around her throat. Joe raped her for what Leslie reports felt like an eternity, and she was terrified that he would kill her as his hand remained tight on her throat constricting her ability to breath or scream.

When it was finally over, Leslie laid frozen on the bed, too terrified to move, while Joe sat silent for an inexplicably long pause.

“Finally he said, in this really scary voice, ‘Don’t tell Dottie,’ and then he walked out and went right back to the room they were sharing.”

This time, Leslie found the strength to share what happened with her friend Margaret, and then two trusted professors. But she couldn’t bring herself to press charges against Joe. The terror of having her history, choices, and intentions strewn about a court room in front of family and friends was too overwhelming, and she found herself wrestling with feelings of guilt and self-blame, struggling to understand how something so horrible could have happened to her again.

Leslie had avoided her friend Dottie for weeks after the assault, but eventually she felt ready to confront the situation and called Dottie herself. She asked both Dottie and Joe to sit together on the line while she told Dottie the whole story, pouring out all the painful details. But the pain of recounting was nothing compared to Dottie’s reaction: “I don’t believe you,” her once close-friend said, and then hung up.

But even more pain followed when she told Margaret about Dottie’s reaction. It was then that Margaret confessed that she didn’t believe Leslie either, and that she felt like this was all a story she made up, potentially to cover up an affair.

“That was almost the most traumatic part of the whole thing,” Leslie recalls.

In the aftermath, Leslie discovered her trust in other females was shattered. She also found herself in an abusive relationship that lasted almost 18 months, which continued to degrade her mental and physical health. She struggled with difficulties in her family relationships, which grew even more after her younger sister became the victim of a very violent stranger rape at her college. The reactions of family and friends made Leslie feel even more like she could never talk about the rapes that had happened to her, because they were by acquaintances and not random strangers.

“I realize now that one is not worse than, or more traumatic than another.” Leslie acknowledges, although she believes that social stigmas and reactions sometimes make it feel this way. “No sexual assault or survivor story is more important than another – it’s about all of our stories together.”

Leslie later met and married her current husband, became mother to two daughters, and everyday life kept her busy. She managed to keep her traumas buried, and did her best to function as though all was normal, though she struggled with an eating disorder and ongoing symptoms of PTSD. But eventually the everyday chaos stopped. Her daughters went to college, her husband was often away for a demanding job, and Leslie found herself much more alone.

“I finally had the time to focus on myself, to really sit with myself,” she said. “And I hated what I saw.”

Self-hate evolved into self-harm, exacerbated by an Adderall prescription given for adult ADD. All the while, Leslie continued to wrestle with the symptoms of PTSD, along with chronic insomnia due to a fear of going to bed.

One night, in the midst of this internal war, Leslie’s husband confessed that he was having an affair.

“I just lost it.” Leslie said. After a major meltdown, Leslie found herself, once again, crying in a scalding shower, but this horrible circumstance also proved to be a turning point that helped both of them see the impact her trauma was having on their lives. Leslie engaged in inpatient treatment at the Menninger facility in Houston, Texas, for her eating disorder, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD. The treatment was very effective, but her insurance stopped paying after only three and a half weeks there. Unable to afford the $2100/day pricetag for long, Leslie moved to a different facility in St. Louis that unfortunately sent her recovery backwards.

“I was horribly retraumatized at that clinic,” she acknowledged, “but I kept going because I assumed they would know what they were doing. I figured they would know better than me.”

Fortunately, a prior therapist recognized the issues, and Leslie left the treatment center. And in the years that followed, she experienced a series of ups and downs with her mental health care, before finally stumbling upon a great psychiatrist and excellent, trauma-informed therapist who understood how to help her manage her trauma. Nearly three decades after her first rape, Leslie finally began to find some peace.

Today, Leslie is an inspiring woman who most would never guess to be a rape survivor. She is an active community member, a committed volunteer, and a tireless advocate serving other sexual assault victims within Moore County. She has found ways to capitalize on the strengths and lessons she learned from even the most horrific experiences, and shares that strength with others.

“I wish I could tell all other sexual assault victims that there is life on the other side.” It might not come quickly, she acknowledged, “but don’t give up. You may be going backwards at times, but it really can get better.”

Leslie also urges other survivors to find support – whether it’s friends, family, an advocate, a therapist, or a support group. Everyone deserves to be heard and believed by someone else. She believes a major part of her own healing was finally getting the opportunity to talk about the things that happened to her, and to feel all the feelings that she had tried to bottle up for so long. Working through that process with the right supports, and with the right providers, allowed her to come to a point where her PTSD symptoms are manageable and she is able to see the rapes as just a small part of all that has shaped her life into what it is today.

One last moment of healing arrived for Leslie just a few years ago. After encountering her old friend Margaret on social media, the two had a phone conversation at Margaret’s request, where her friend apologized for everything that had happened. Margaret also sent her an unexpected gift in the
form of a link to California’s sex offender registry. On that registry was Joe, Leslie’s violent rapist from so many years before.

“I felt like I finally, finally got validation.” Leslie explains. “Even after all those years, that was very healing.”

-By C. Reynolds for Leslie S.