Would You Recognize a Stalker?
Most people believe they’d know stalking when they see it.
For example, it’s pretty clear to most Netflix viewers that Joe Goldberg crosses all the lines into stalkerdom in the series “You.” We’re also probably all aware that Fatal Attraction was a very serious stalking situation, and could likely identify at least one terrifying stalker in the majority of horror movies we’ve seen. Plus, it seems like we’d notice if someone was constantly following us around.
So why, then, do we find it so romantic or endearing in other contexts? Joe Goldberg’s stalking is downright creepy, but it’s funny (and successful) for Ted in There’s Something About Mary. Alex’s obsession with Dan Gallagher is clearly dangerous in Fatal Attraction, but Noah’s persistent and obsessive pursuit of Allie in the Notebook is considered heartfelt romance that many seem to yearn for. And Twilight is full of both stalking scenarios and vampires, which would ostensibly earn it a place in the horror-movie category and yet it’s well established as a box-office hit teen love story.
In our current social media age, a crush is practically expected to do a little (or lot) of social media stalking – if you aren’t aware of a person’s every Instagram post, then you probably aren’t trying hard enough, right? Plus, those little random calls throughout the day are so sweet, as are surprise visits at school or work, and unexpected gifts or flower. And if your significant other wants to know where you are throughout the day, then he/she must really love you and want to be with you so deeply.
The line between stalking and romance clearly blurs in the fictional world, but it is often fuzzy in real life as well, which is likely part of the reason why stalking remains a vastly underestimated and under reported crime. Some stalking is clearly dangerous, but what about when it’s a classmate who’s just a little obsessed with you and won’t stop messaging you on Facebook? Or a boyfriend who claims he loves you so much that he can’t stand being away from you, so he shows up wherever you are? Those romantic gestures can indeed be sweet, but they can easily cross some lines – sometimes without being quickly noticed.
The reality is that one in six women and one in 17 men will experience stalking within their lifetimes, and more than half of those are stalked by a current or former intimate partner. Unfortunately, stalking (particularly intimate partner stalking) is very far from romantic.
We now know that stalking is a significant risk factor for potential lethality in a relationship, and that it is critical for victims, professionals, and law enforcement to take this issue seriously. A 1999 study found that 76% of women murdered by an intimate partner and 85% of attempted femicide survivors had been stalked in the 12 months prior to their death. Sadly, 54% of those had reported the stalking to law enforcement before being killed. The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence estimates that stalking victims are at least 200 times more likely to be murdered than those who are not stalked (though they acknowledge that even this statistic may be too low), and it’s important to know that sometimes these attacks are not proceeded by any threats to harm or kill, so there may be little warning other than the stalking itself. The risk of lethality goes up even more significantly when there was also a history of physical abuse or violence, and an estimated 20% of stalkers use weapons to threaten their victims, which further heightens risk.
However, the non-lethal impacts of stalking are significant too. Stalking victims tend to suffer from numerous mental health impacts related to stalking, including depression, anxiety, insomnia, and suicidality. The economic and social impacts are also severe: one in eight victims loses time at work (often 5 days or more) due being stalked, and one in seven is forced to move to try to escape victimization. Additionally, stalking (particularly intimate partner stalking) can frequently precede property crime or physical or sexual assault, causing short- and long-term physical, emotional, psychological, and financial harm.
What separates stalking from romance? Namely, fear. While legal definitions of stalking vary state to state, the generally accepted behavioral definition is “a pattern of behavior directed towards a specific person that would cause a reasonable person to feel fear.” But that fear can take different forms, and it can arise at any point during a stalking situation. Stalking can continue for months, and often years, and many stalking scenarios may begin as a romance, friendship, or acquaintanceship, and devolve into stalking over time (nearly 3 out of 4 victims know their stalker in some capacity).
Stalking is not always as clear as we’d like it to be. With social media, stalkerware, and GPS technology, a stalker no longer needs to constantly follow their victim in order to know where they are at all times. Frighteningly accessible apps can give a stalker access to a phone’s camera and microphone to spy on their victim, and can help them hack into almost every messaging app available for near-constant monitoring. Social media and the internet offer easy ways for stalkers to harass their victims at any time and from any location, although many still also physically stalk their victims as well.
So would you recognize a stalker? The odds are you or someone you know has experienced stalking themselves, and maybe it wasn’t taken as seriously as it deserves. Stalking is a serious crime with serious implications, and isn’t something that any victim should have to deal with alone.
If you find yourself in a stalking situation, or think you may know someone who is, please reach out to our Advocacy Office (910.947.1703) or Crisis Line (910.947.3333) for assistance. We can help you safety plan for your situation, provide tools for documenting your experiences and evidence, and can help you with legal, advocacy, and mental health support. You can also complete a Stalking and Harassment Assessment and Risk Profile online here, which will provide you with a snapshot of your stalking situation and offer safety tips.
For more information on stalking, and other resources, please see:
The Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center
-Caroline Reynolds